Monster Hunter: A Movie You’ll Want to Miss

It begins on an alternate world where a group of pirates on an old galley ship battle a leviathan-like SAND CREATURE that weaves its way above and below the waves of sand. Here we meet a badly wigged Ron Pearlman as ship Captain and Muy Thai phenom, Tony Jaa, as one of his crew who gets tossed overboard and is left for dead.

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A U.S. military group on a mission to find a missing patrol in a somewhat rocky terrain that I guess is supposed to be Afghanistan. Here we meet Milla Jovovich as Captain Artemis (hereinafter dubbed “The Ranger”) heading her troop and joining in a happy sing-along before a humongous storm whisks them through a portal.

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OZ, a.k.a, the sand planet – “Where’d all this sand come from?” asks one astute soldier – where Jaa, hereinafter dubbed “The Hunter” has been camping out all alone. The military unit soon discovers giant bleached sand creature bones and the incinerated remains of their previously missing compatriots.

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Another giant sand creature comes calling on them. So, The Hunter leaps into action, firing super long-distance deadly arrows that the soldiers initially believe to be a further assault from cliffs high above their position. They run into caves where giant SPIDERS attack, cocooning and laying eggs in some of them (a la “Alien”), and killing all but one, The Ranger. She makes her way out of the cave, exhausted, injured and frightened only to be beset upon by The Hunter who attacks her for no good reason. He drags her back to his spider-proofed lair where he ties her up and taunts her by depriving her of water as he prays to two figurines on a makeshift altar (a la “Gladiator”).

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The Ranger cutting herself free. She and The Hunter beat the shit out of each other and virtually destroy the lair. He tumbles outside and falls partially down a spider-cave shaft and is holding on for dear life when The Ranger decides, for no good reason, to save him. Perhaps she finally figured out that killing the only person who knows anything about the planet and its nasty creatures, where you’re marooned, might not be a good idea. But we’ll never know. In any case, they bond over a few bites of a half-melted chocolate bar (a la “Stargate”).

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The friendship strengthens, despite a serious language barrier. He teaches her the way of the fiery doubled-cross sword fighting technique.

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They make their way to an oasis where friendly sand-planet DINOSAURS gather at the watering hole. He catches a different nasty beast that attacks from the water and they have a lovely dinner under the stars – when suddenly, there’s a Dino stampede caused by an aerial assault from fire-breathing DRAGONS.

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Salvation by way of The Hunter’s friends who save them by dropping in from their pirate ships. The Ranger is once again taken captive and chained in a cell. She’s pissed. She manages to break free and comes face to face with a human-sized GOURMET CAT CHEF (seriously) who’s cooking up a brew of something in the galley.

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The Captain explains what the deal is, why he speaks perfect English (because others like The Ranger have been sucked through the portal before, blah, blah, blah) and he’s got to go to the TOWER which is fueled by lava to destroy it to close the portal or something like that. The Gourmet Cat Chef serves the Captain his drink with a hairball in it then winks goodbye to The Ranger.

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The journey to the Tower and a giant battle with the fire-breathing Dragons. The Ranger is told they are weakest just before they shoot their flames (a la “Reign of Fire”). She proves herself to be a super-duper hero Dragon slayer.

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Just when you think the movie should be nearing an end, it keeps going to the point where you’re now certain a title card’s going to pop up saying “To Be Continued”, but nah, it just ends.

Monster Hunter was directed by Paul W.S. Anderson who also wrote it with Kaname Fujioka (video game series ).

Review by Ginger Marin

Donald Trump’s Post-Presidency Jobs

  1. Stand-up Comedian: Trump has been doing his lousy stand-up schtick since he came onto the political scene but none more so than throughout this past campaign season. This has been a great warm up for what is surely his number one choice with adoring crowds and manic supporters laughing and cheering at his every barb, insult and lie. He simply can’t get enough of it. His belly warms, his dick swells, his brain melts. He’s a bad-haired, foul-tempered version of comedian Don Rickles without being remotely funny. Remember Trump’s robotic false impression of a disabled journalist? Classic Trump stand-upper.
  2. Ebenezer Scrooge on Tour: Donald Trump would excel as the famous Charles Dickens character Ebenezer Scrooge who Bah, humbugs! his way through life in the classic A Christmas Carol. Trump could do yearly world tours as this bastard who hates people, especially poor ones. He could even bring along Melania, who already expressed her “Fuck Christmas” sentiment, because she was so bothered by the prospect of decorating the White House. Of course they’ll have to rewrite the ending for Trump’s version of the story so that Scrooge never changes course with his miserable, miserly life. That would suit Trump to a T.
  3. Birthday Clown: With white circles around his eyes, his crazy orange hair and face and his frumpy suits with extra long ties, all he has to do is pop on a large red nose and grab an oversized pair of shoes. He could fashion animal balloons all day long then angrily pop them with a pin to make the kiddies cry their eyes out. He’d love it.
  4. Carnival Barker: Wherever Trump goes, it’s a circus so he’ll have no trouble finding a big, beautiful red tent where he can inflate himself and spew his particular vile venom. People will come from miles away, walk through sleet and rain, camp out on the sides of roadways and fall dead in the freshly fallen snow. “Get up you lazy ass snowflakes; I’m up here barking my guts out for you. You should love me. Please love me.”

Donald J. Trump has said he will never give up, never surrender in trying to make this nation great again, just like it was when the U.S. dropped its atomic bombs on Japan.

Trump-o-Matic

by actor-writer Ginger Marin

The Only Fitting Monument to Donald J. Trump

It’s called The Donald J. Trump Federal Penitentiary.

Residing inside: Trump and his entire criminal-grifter family, his enablers, the Republicans who signed onto the phony Texas lawsuit falsely claiming election fraud along with those pathetic Republicans who objected to the Electoral College certification and, of course, all insurrectionists who stormed the Capitol.

Daily Activities inside the Donald J. Trump Federal Pen:

05:00 – Rise and Bathe with bleach and lye soap.
05:05 – Singing of Trump National Anthem: “Hail to the Former Chief”.
05:10 – Pledge of Allegiance to Trump.
05:15 – Breakfast: Watery gruel + one glass of Flint, Michigan water.
05:20 – Exercise: Non stop jumping jacks.
05:30 – 12:00 – HARD LABOR: building Trump’s wall around the inside of the prison to stand 30-feet high.
12:01 – Lunch: lard sandwiches on crustless white bread, one radish + one glass of Flint, Michigan water.
12:10 – Exercise: Waterboarding.
12:30 – HARD LABOR: continue building wall.
20:30 – Dinner: one large head of iceberg lettuce, one packet of ketchup + one glass of Flint, Michigan water.
20:40 – Return to cell, enjoy view of blank wall.

Anyone wishing to visit the prisoners will be strip searched each time they enter prison grounds in an effort to find contraband and in keeping with Trump’s stated goal to find him more votes. Visits will be kept to 10-minutes; no touching or gifts from home permitted.

By actor-writer Ginger Marin

Things We Could Do Right Now to Hold Trump Accountable and Secure Democracy

Aside from impeaching and convicting the criminal in the White House or removing him via the 25th Amendment, here are a few other things that should happen:

  1. Donald J. Trump, insurrectionist/seditionist-in-chief, is a flight risk. His passport must be immediately revoked. Right now, he has free reign to go anywhere, including to Russia where he could seek political asylum. He is, after all, Putin’s puppet. Putin would welcome him with open arms. I hear Putin has a mega-sized bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken waiting for him, even as I write this. Putin would now expect to have his favorite lapdog feed him even more secrets than Trump’s probably been doing for the last four years.

    Trump and Russian President Putin
  2. Put Donald Trump under house arrest and surveilled 24/7. Have the Secret Service surround the White House, not to protect him, but to keep him locked inside should he attempt to flee the country. Right now there’s nothing stopping fellow seditionists Senators Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley and Rep. Mo Brooks (along with the other Congressional scum who voted against Electoral certification) from smuggling their favorite criminal out of the country.

  3. Congress should immediately pass legislation that would prevent Trump from giving out any further pardons or commutations on the basis that they are made solely for corrupt purposes. Firmly establish that no President may self-pardon as no man is above the law.

Impeach, Convict, Censure, 25th Amendment NOW! All options should be exercised as there has never been an individual so deserving of them all.

Then prosecute Trump for every single crime he’s committed before and during his presidency.

Donald Trump Endorses Joe Biden for President

by Ginger Marin

It was truly unexpected but on Friday, October 16, the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, tacitly endorsed Joe Biden to become his successor.

It came in the form of his publicly posted Proclamation on on National Character Counts Week, 2020. You can tell it came from him, not only because he signed it with his name in all caps but because of the double word “on” in the title. By Monday, Oct. 19, the title typo was still there.

It begins “The foundation of any free and virtuous society is the moral character of its people.  Personal responsibility, integrity, and the other values which define our unique American spirit underpin our system of self-government and inspire us to continue working toward a more perfect Union.

Yes, Mr. Trump, the moral character of ALL PEOPLE. That would include you but doesn’t since it has long been established by just about everyone, including many thinking Republicans, that YOU have no character. Therefore we cannot have a free and virtuous society with you at the helm. You take no personal responsibility for anything and have no integrity as expressed by yourself and people you have put into positions within your own administration. “I take no responsibility” were the words you uttered about your handling of the COVID-19 crisis. Your former Chief of Staff, retired Marine Gen. John Kelly, told friends that you are “the most flawed person” he’s ever known. James Mattis, the Marine general who resigned as your Secretary of Defense, said “Donald Trump is the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people—does not even pretend to try. Instead, he tries to divide us.”

Trump’s proclamation continues “…we recognize that character is a learned attribute acquired through consistent, purposeful action, not an inherent trait.” 

Yes, WE do recognize that character is a learned attribute. Your niece Mary Trump described your upbringing and attested that you have no character because you learned nothing but purposely how to cheat, steal and degrade from your father, the apparently lousy, cheater Fred Trump.

And “From small acts of kindness to supreme selfless sacrifice, everyday heroes and larger-than-life American historical figures have deepened the roots of freedom of our Nation.”

You have sacrificed nothing, Mr. Trump, and throwing rolls of paper towels at desperate Puerto Ricans does not count as “small acts of kindness”.

It ends like this “NOW, THEREFORE, I, DONALD J. TRUMP, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim October 18 through October 24, 2020, as National Character Counts Week.  I call upon public officials, educators, parents, students, and all Americans to observe this week with appropriate ceremonies, activities, and programs.”

Now, therefore, Donald J. Trump has called upon everyone in the country to go out and vote early for Joe Biden to be the next president of the United States because CHARACTER COUNTS. Joe Biden, the man who has spent his whole life acquiring character through consistent, purposeful action; the man who takes personal responsibility, has integrity and performs small acts of kindness again and again.

General Mattis said “We must reject and hold accountable those in office who would make a mockery of our Constitution.” Trump has taken purposeful, consistent action to mock our constitution and the norms that actually do matter since even before the day he took office. So, we must reject Trump en masse in order to regain some semblance of our free and virtuous society.

Ginger Marin is a former journalist, current Los Angeles-based actor-writer.

My Interview with Donald Trump by Ginger Marin

Ginger Marin: Oh thank you so much Mr. President-in-Chief. I am so honored to be sitting in your esteemed presence, oh one from on high. Please allow me to ask some low-ball questions so that you don’t get upset. Hopefully they are questions that you can actually answer without resorting to words like biggest, best, beautiful. Of course, I know how much you love those words but perhaps you can make do with something else. Okay, so here goes, Mr. President —

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Ginger:  What’s your favorite color?
Trump:  Green. My favorite color is green, for money, you know I like money, right? I mean who doesn’t, it’s good, you know like really good and big. I can say big, right? Well it’s big or maybe I should say they’re big because there’s more than one money, right? Speaking of money, you know I’m a multi-billionaire right? I mean everyone knows that because I’m from New York, lots of big money people in New York and because I said so. I don’t have to prove anything, I can just say so, so I did many times. But go on, I think you said you had more questions, that’s alright, go ahead, ask away, I’m here just so you can ask your questions, go on, go ahead, ask —

Ginger:  Oh, thank you Mr. President, I actually wanted to know —
Trump:  You know I like questions, right? I get asked lots of questions by everyone, just about everyone, almost absolutely everyone, on a daily basis and I have answers, lots of answers, because I have lots of words and I can put two and three together to get even more words. I like words you know. There’s nothing like words. I always say that, you know? The more the better. You just can’t have enough words. But sometimes you can. Sometimes you can have too many words and it’s better to just shut up. You don’t want to say too much otherwise people, some people, maybe even lots of people might think you said too much and, well, so go ahead ask me some words.

Ginger:  Sure. So do you know what democracy is?
Trump: That’s a nasty, nasty question. How can you even ask me such a question? You should be ashamed of yourself. Really ashamed. Who do you work for, NBC?, CBS?, ABC?, the failing New York Times?, they’re failing you know, maybe you’re from that failing CNN, yeah I bet you’re from CNN, they’re failing too. I know you’re not from The Washington Post. Doesn’t matter. They’re all fake news you know, all fake just like you. In fact you’re so fake I’ve never seen you before. I don’t know who you are. I never met you. You say you’re from New York. I never saw you in New York. How the hell am I supposed to take your word that you’re from New York? Show me your birth certificate. You probably don’t even have one. That’s because you’re a nobody. That’s right. You don’t exist. Because you’re fake. Fake news, fake person. Have a nice life, you fake nobody. Don’t call me. Don’t you ever call me again or I’ll have you arrested. That’s right, you think I can’t do it? You are mistaken. You are very, very, VERY mistaken. And you know what you can do with your biggest, best, beautiful word fest? I’ll tell you what to do, you know what you can do, it doesn’t take much of an imagination, but I have a good imagination, a really big and beautiful imagination and I can tell you that it doesn’t take one to imagine how I can make your life miserable. Anyway, get away from me. Get away from me now.

Ginger: But this is my space. YOU have to get away from me.
Trump: I knew that. I’m leaving now. Don’t call me again.

Ginger: I won’t.
Trump: Good. Because I’ll have you arrested.

Ginger: That’s okay, I won’t.
Trump: Better not.

Ginger: I won’t.
Trump: Good.

Ginger: I won’t.
Trump: Stop it.

Ginger: Okay.
Trump: Good

Ginger Marin: Okay

Melania Trump, You Never Promised Us a Rose Garden

The only thing we need from Melania Trump at this late date is a copy of her pre-nup.  We don’t want her stinking rose garden makeover. We know the only reason she’s doing this is to dig up the bodies her mobster president-husband, the @realDonaldTrump Twitter-Fritter, buried there in the late night hours between snacking on fried chicken and chili dogs and slurping on high fructose corn syrup. You know — when his secret service agents were drinking and carousing at one of his golf clubs. Melania, please go quietly. Take your shovel and your high-heels and go stomp your way out of the White House and back into Trump Tower. Isn’t that the one your hubby claimed was now the highest in NYC?  You’re so lucky. Oh, what a pretty “Life is Just a Bowl of Cherries” skirt you’re wearing!   Reminds me of the time you wore that green fatigue F.U. jacket with the graffiti “I really don’t care, do U”. — by Ginger Marin

The Rosy Melania Trump No One Needs

Tribute to Rep. John Lewis & His Good Trouble

I was born in a box some years ago, closed by tape and glue and the small-mindedness of others. As the years passed and the bindings disintegrated, I emerged to shed the final constraints of all that surrounded and cast their shadows over me. I listened, read, watched and learned and listened well some more. In truth, I cannot say that I have learned all the lessons that the past has to offer, but I can say that the box is long gone; my eyes are wide open, my ears still gratefully receptive to the calls to arms, to fight against ignorance, deceit, fraud, hypocrisy, lies, injustice. At some point I will be back in a box, sealed up and delivered to the earth – an earth that has felt the thunder of the downtrodden, has heard the voices of those long silenced, has seen the fires of discontent burn ferociously, although sometimes too slowly. Representative John Lewis was one such thunder, voice, and fire. His “Good Trouble” will continue unabated, by others, until hatred and cruelty are no more. — by Ginger Marin

Rep. John Lewis received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama in 2011

Donald J. Trump: the NO Law, ALL Disorder President

Once upon a very sad time, there lived a man named Donald J. Trump. He lived in a big white house that he did not own. Yet, he huffed and he puffed and blew the house over but not before trampling through it like a bad tempered, revenge-seeking bull in a pretty little china shop.


He left shards of glass everywhere, soiled the furniture, pissed the hallways, shit the carpets, crayoned the walls, poisoned the plants, clogged the toilets, tore down the curtains, broke the windows, slashed the paintings, laser-beamed the staff and crew. After all that, he set a huge bonfire and burned it to the ground.

As he strolled away from the big white house that was no more, he blamed the previous occupants. He then waltzed through the streets of Laredo and beyond with his camouflaged stormtroopers, creating more chaos wherever he roamed.

Donald J. Trump is no law and all disorder. And Trump’s Storm Troopers will go down in history.

by: Ginger Marin

What Shall Become of Mt. Rushmore?

Ill conceived from the start. On land stolen from the Lakota Sioux, their sacred land, the U.S. government commissioned an anti-Semite, racist, KKK member Gutzon Borglum to deface the natural beauty of the mountain. But it can still be saved.

Instead of the faces of American presidents, this is how we should transform those features:

BisonA Bison: The mighty bison, the spirit of our nation, to remind us that America is sacred land to be protected from all enemies.

 

A Bear: The powerful bear to remind us that America will always persevere through adversity.

 

An Eagle: The majestic eagle to remind us that America will always soar high in its ideals and accomplishments.

 

An Elk: The stalwart elk to remind us that America must always love and protect the land for without it there is no real America.

We should reclaim this monument as soon as Donald J. Trump is gloriously evicted from office, an office he had no right to occupy, an office he has equally defaced every single day of his presidency.

This Land is Our Land. These images would truly represent Our Land, Our Heritage, Our Ideals. Or at least what should be our ideals. This, of course, doesn’t even begin to address land that was stolen, but perhaps it is one compromise we can make.

by: Ginger Marin

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